“Guilt and Grief” by Alyssa O’Brien

Guilt creeps over me like the spider I never caught, 

Whose presence threatens my existence each time my foot steps down in the darkened room. Why do I

continue to let the temptations loom? 

Perhaps I would have never begun the journey had I known the sacrifice,

Because the dreams I had as a child now leave me with the same shame as when I looked at a

cherry pie and chose the largest slice. 

Sinful is how I feel when I fantasize about raising a child with my full attention,

How far is too far... this was not my original intention. 

When I was young, I thought that ferris wheels never stopped, 

Jump on, jump off, the ground would be cement-hard if you dropped. 

That is the way my mind cycles now. 

Will I be tied and chained if I say a vow? 

I don’t want to rely on a man, but I want to be present every step of the way.

I want to take my children to the pond and ask them: “What do the ducks say?”

But how could I let myself crack... 

I can’t cut myself any slack... because then why the hell am I learning how to find double

integrals? 

So I’ll let my tender daydreams die and rot.

Alyssa O'Brien is a student in the College of Engineering. She majors in Computer Science and enjoys creative writing.