“Dear Papa” by Sam Hubenet

Hey.

I know I didn’t go see you as much as I should,

and I know that I’ll never get that time back.

I know that memories fade and time is a fucking bastard

no matter how hard I try to hold on.

I know I’ll never get back those trips to the beach,

the times I’d make you pull me back up the hill sledding,

the days I swore I’d stop by and forgot

I’m so sorry.

I miss you more than anything

I miss you even though you're still here

technically.

I don’t think you remember much

but I know your face lights up when you see me

I wish I was there more often but it hurts.

It hurts to know that cancer has taken more than we’ll ever get back

It hurts to think how many things will be our last.

It hurts to not know how much time we have

so it’s easier to pretend the clock isn’t ticking.

But you were always there.

There in hotheaded clashes between brother, father, grandma,

sipping apple juice from plastic tea cups,

there to hold the rocks I handed you to take home from every trip,

there at soccer games cheering on my losing team

that would make the Lions look good.

I wish I was there for you, and I wish I knew how.

I wish I was there for the one fucking person who was always there for me.

But I wasn’t. And I’m not. So I’m really really sorry.

Sam Hubenet is working towards a degree in Philosophy, Politics and Economics (yes that’s one major) and a minor in LGBTQ Studies. They found a love for poetry over the course of 2020, especially through their time in LSWA and the wonderful poetry club.