“Damage” by Sam Hubenet
When I was 12 years old
a boy I thought to be my friend
believed that he was so entitled to my body
that he grabbed me from behind “as a joke”
I stayed silent from embarrassment until he did the same thing
to my best friend when he felt he owned her too.
I call him a boy not to describe his immaturity but because that
was what he was.
He was 12, just like me, not yet teenagers but still
both our minds were poisoned by our knowledge
of what assault feels like.
I still wonder what he thought of that day.
Did he know the centuries of violent men
who preceded him and his possession over women’s bodies?
Did he know that he would be the cause
every time I flinch when a man walks behind me.
Does he even remember?
Was my assault even significant enough for him
to include in his timeline?
Does he feel guilty?
Does he wish he could go back and change that day,
or does he justify his actions with a half-ass explanation
of how he was a kid
and didn’t know better
but how could he not we learned
to keep our hands to ourselves
and put away our toys in preschool.
When I was 16
my best friend started dating,
found a boy who made her feel wanted, so much so
that her word wasn’t enough to deter him
from what he wanted and he took it.
Leaving her wordless as she cried silently alone.
After she was so ashamed,
afraid of not being believed as so many aren’t,
more afraid to ruin his life
so she let him ruin hers for months
as my heart broke on her behalf.
I wonder if they know
how their measly minutes of perverse excitement
would be moments forever ingrained in our thoughts
how they forever redefined our concept of intimacy,
of vulnerability,
how long it took our hearts to thaw.
I wonder if they know their actions
were the topic of countless therapy sessions where we refuse
to say their name, to give them that satisfaction,
to acknowledge the subject of our bad dreams as people.
I doubt they know,
and, even more importantly,
I doubt they care.
Sam Hubenet is working towards a degree in Philosophy, Politics and Economics (yes that’s one major) and a minor in LGBTQ Studies. They found a love for poetry over the course of 2020, especially through their time in LSWA and the wonderful poetry club.
