“i am five” by Hannah Beaucamp

I am five

When it happens the first time

But he gave me a piece of pie

So everything must be alright

I am six

And he needs his weekly fix

So I do not kick

And silently take the pain he inflicts

I am seven

And oh, the fun I should be having

But I’m too busy quietly begging

For him to stop his obsession

I am eight

And everyday I wait

For him to tear down the gates

I have built out of hate

I am nine

I convince myself I am fine

I do not cry

Now is not the time

I am ten

And I just want to go to bed

But I can’t get him out of my head

And every moment is filled with dread

I am eleven

When I first start dreaming of heaven

And my footsteps become leaden

I have become his possession

I am twelve

And he needs to pleasure himself

So he gets the basket off the shelf

And I slowly start to hate myself

I am thirteen

And he has made me dirty

I try to cut it out of me

But it has made a home permanently

I am fourteen

And he no longer touches me

I even go to therapy

But I am screaming silently

I am fifteen

I should be happy

But the memories still haunt me

And I’m afraid this is how it’ll always be

I am sixteen

He has made a home in my dreams

And i so desperately need

For him to leave

I am seventeen

It clings to my seams

And i just want them to see

That this is not me

I am eighteen

And I’m still trying to get the courts to see

All the things he did to me

I fear I’ll never get the ending I need

I am nineteen

I finally have court next week

I’m so close to being clean

But I know I’ll always feel him inside of me

Hannah Beaucamp is a student in LSA studying English on a creative writing track. They are passionate about writing poetry that shows a narrative often left unspoken.

Artist’s Statement: “I started this poem when I was fourteen and have added a section every year since then. I plan to continue adding to it as life goes on, so it’s final form won’t be ready for a long time.”