“Letters from the Other Side” by Olivia Thompson
In which Natalie Green wrote 389 letters up until the day she died. A month later, Jace Walker receives one in the mail.
Letter One
Present day: December 1, 2018
October 7, 2017
Dear Jace Walker,
It’s weird to be writing this because I'm writing to you from my death bed. Well, not my death bed yet. But I don’t trust the doctors.
And, I guess the reason I’m writing this to you is because I don’t know how to say it to your face.
I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life waiting for this to happen, you know? Like, for some reason no matter what we did, it just didn’t work out. We tried so hard for it to work, but our relationship never fixed itself.
I guess that’s on both of us. Maybe more on me. Or maybe more on you. I guess we’ll never know, huh? Sorry, I don’t mean to be so depressing, but I don’t really know what else to say here. I think maybe I’ll grow wiser with every letter I write to you, but I can’t make any promises.
I found out the news today...the reality of it. And, that’s what prompted me to write this and all the ones after this.
I don’t know what else to say. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m fucking pissed, my mom has been crying for hours straight, and my dad left and hasn’t come back. They don’t really help my mood.
I’m sorry. I really miss you. I really, really miss you. I wish we hadn’t broken up. I wish you didn’t hate me. I wish you picked my calls.
I’m so sorry. Because I think I’m going to die with you hating me, and nothing hurts more than that.
- Love, Natalie Green
Letter Two
Present day: December 2, 2018
October 12, 2017
Dear Jace Walker,
I forgot I was writing these letters. And, I guess I can sum up the past five days with one word: sadness. I feel like I’ve been surrounded by sadness.
My parents are sad. And, Mark is sad because of Lauren and Hannah is sad because I’m still stuck in this fucking hospital. I haven’t told them yet. About the diagnosis. About any of it. And, the truth is, I’m scared to. Because if I say it aloud, it means I’m accepting this reality.
I wish you were by my side. You always knew how to make me feel better. I bet you still do.
And, I feel like even after everything I’m still stuck on you. Like, I’m fucking dying for fucks sake but I still come back to you. I think about everything we’ve been through. I think about how it ended and I can’t even comprehend what happened.
There’s so much I have to think about. I have so much I haven’t done. I still have so much I want to do. And making things right with you is at the top of the list. I just wish things hadn’t gone so wrong.
But, I guess no matter how much wishing I do, nothing can be fixed. Not between you and me. Not anything at all.
This is so tragic. Like, more tragic than Romeo and Juliet. How did my life end up so tragic? God, I’m just so sick of this fucking hospital and being surrounded by all these fucking patients and nurses and doctors. Because everyone pities you.
Everyone pities the girl waiting for a heart.
- Love, Natalie Green
Letter Three
Present day: December 3, 2018
October 13, 2017
Dear Jace Walker,
I remembered to write to you today. I want to write to you everyday from now on because maybe one of these days I’ll send them to you.
Maybe you’ll want to read them. Or maybe you’ll see them and throw them away without opening them. I don’t know. I just know I want to share this experience with you. Dying and all of that can be so lonely.
My parents want me to go to a support group full of other people waiting for an organ. But I don't want to go. I don’t want to hear about other people’s agony and misery and pain because we’re all going through the same thing.
I see why they want me to go. Because I don’t talk to them about it. I don’t talk to them about how I’m feeling because I don’t know what to say.
The doctors say it could be any day now. They told me that there would be a donor sooner or later. I’m putting my money on never. We all know the chances of me receiving a heart. There’s just too many of us who need organs.
My mom doesn’t want to accept the fact that the amount of time I have to live and the amount of time it’s going to take for me to get an organ is too big. She doesn’t like to think about it, avoids it at all costs in fact.
My dad works so much now to pay for my hospital bills. I told them I could stay at home. The doctors said it might even be ideal. But, my mom insists I stay close to the hospital in case my heart suddenly gives out.
Mark came back today. I wanted to tell him, but he was already so distraught. I guess things between him and Lauren haven’t been the best. He doesn’t really talk about what happens between them and I don’t see anything on social media because my parents banned me from it ever since...well, you know. At least, I think you do.
Hannah spends her time with me before school. She says you look happy. I’m glad. I want you to be happy. And, Hannah goes on and on about your friends Jake and Jackson. I’ll admit I’m jealous. Who would have ever thought I’d be jealous that Hannah gets to go to class and see your smile.
I want to tell them. I do. But, what am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to say, “Hey, I’m dying by the way. Just wanted to tell you guys before you run to the gym”? I’ll do it eventually. Because I don’t want to suddenly die and have them not know why.
Maybe one of these days you’ll figure it out. Like, you just feel in your gut that something’s wrong with me. Maybe your heart will suddenly stop beating for one second and you’ll realize it’s because mine stopped forever. And, then, you’ll know.
Sorry, I’m rambling so much. I’m so bored right now. I wish someone could just take me to the park and let me feed the ducks. Or, take me to the beach and let me feel the sand between my toes.
I’d settle for someone letting me walk around the store and look at the food and let me get all the ice cream on the shelves. I want someone to run their fingers through my hair and look at me like I’m not dying. I miss the simple pleasures of life.
I miss you more.
- Love, Natalie Green
Letter Four
Present day: December 4, 2018
October 15, 2017
Dear Jace Walker,
Yesterday was hard. Like, really hard. Like so hard I cried for hours straight. Hannah wasn’t going to tell me, but Mark did by accident. He said he saw you kissing someone else...he said he saw you kissing that girl we fought over.
And, I guess, it just hit me for the first time that we are really over. I know we’ve been broken up for two months now, but some part of me thought maybe it would all work out in the end.
I’m making you look like the bad guy. But, I know you’re not really. Because we’re both at fault for what happened. Because I didn’t trust you enough and you trusted me too much. I guess that’s the problem with all relationships, though, right?
It just makes me so mad that the girl I was worried about the whole time was the girl I knew I should’ve been worried about. It makes me so fucking mad that you told me not to worry and here you are. And, I’m just so pissed that I was so stupid enough to let you go. I should’ve fought harder.
But, even if I got down on both knees and begged you to stay, your heart would still be with her even if you told me it was with me. Because I can’t control how you feel about someone. I could control everything, even down to what color contacts you wear, but I couldn't control whether or not you liked her. Whether or not you loved me.
And, I want to ask if you ever really loved me. If you ever really cared like you told me you did. If you ever faked a smile with me and pretended like I wasn't annoying you. But I don't want to know the answer. Not now. Not ever.
My heart would actually stop if you told me it was all fake.
I just have so many unanswered questions. I guess I’ll never know why you left when you promised me forever. I’ll never understand why I write these letters I’ll never send. I’ll never get why people put flowers on people’s graves when they could’ve given them while they were alive. And, I’ll never understand why “I love you” wasn’t enough.
- Love, Natalie Green
Letter Five
Present day: December 5, 2018
October 16, 2017
Dear Jace Walker,
Mark told me he was going to visit me today. He didn’t. I think he forgot and I’m not mad. I guess I was disappointed. Because I thought he cared. And, he does care, I think. But, not enough. Not more than he cares about Lauren.
I realized as I waited for him to come walking through my hospital door that he thinks I have forever ahead of me. I guess that’s partially on me because I still haven’t told him I’m a ticking time bomb.
But, it just made me so sad because we take people for granted. We think that everyone has another day, another month, another year. When in reality we really don’t know how long they have. I could die tomorrow and Mark would be beating himself up wondering why he didn’t visit.
And, if he had visited then maybe Lauren would’ve died and he would be hating himself for not going to see her.
We’re constantly making these choices. These choices that affect the rest of our lives despite how miniscule they seem at the time. And, somehow I feel like I’m always the second choice. Again. I’m not surprised, not shocked, not mad. I’ve accepted it.
I hope you’re well. I hope you know that tomorrow isn’t promised. I hope you know that I miss you. Because Maybe you’ll miss me too. Or not.
- Love, Natalie Green
Letter Six
Present day: December 6, 2018
October 17, 2017
Dear Jace Walker,
Hannah said she’d stop by today. She didn’t either. And, I guess you were right when you told me I’m a cry baby. Because I cried for two hours.
You were right when you told me I was a bitch baby and that I got too emotional.
You were right about so much. Maybe you were right about everything.
- Love, Natalie Green
Letter Seven
Present day: December 7, 2018
October 20, 2017
Dear Jace Walker,
I feel pathetic. Like in all aspects of my life. I’m pathetic because my heart can barely function. I’m pathetic because I still cry over you. I’m pathetic because of this and that and this and that.
And, I’m so goddamn tired, Jace. I’m so tired all the time. I’m constantly weak. And it’s so funny, you know, because my heart is quite literally weakening and giving out. I blame you. No I don’t. I don’t know.
I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know how to tell my friends I’m dying. I don't know how to help my mom stop crying and how to make my dad stop avoiding me. I don’t know how to get a heart to replace the one I was born with. I don’t know how to ride a bike or rap all of Super Bass by Nicki Minaj.
I don’t know how to make you love me again.
Please help me. If you ever read this. Maybe you’ll see this after I’m dead. Maybe you’ll see it next week. Please just help me.
- Love, Natalie Green
Letter Eight
Present day: December 8, 2018
October 24, 2017
Dear Jace Walker,
I think I’m just repeating myself at this point, which is why I haven’t been writing to you. Because it’s all the same shit over again and again.
Hannah and Mark came together yesterday. They apologized for not coming, for breaking their promises. And, I forgave them because it won’t matter much longer.
But, I thought of if it’ll matter to you when I die. Are you going to care? Will you still cry for me? Will you come to my funeral? Will you say the eulogy? I guess I’ll never know.
Whenever I think about you, I think about your glossy lips because you had a bad habit of licking them. And your eyes twinkled and glistened with the stars. Maybe, that all still happens.
I write this like you died. But, I guess it’s kind of like you did. I haven’t heard from you since we broke up. I actually haven’t seen you at all.
And, I wonder if you even realize I’m gone. I think you had broken up with me in your mind far before we had actually broken up. And, I keep making you sound like a bad person, I know. I keep victimizing myself. Probably because I still sit and feel sorry for myself.
But, if you ever read these, you should know that I forgive you. I’d forgiven you right after it happened. And, I hope you’ve forgiven me for what I did, for the role I played in our downfall.
Even if you don’t, even if you never will, I think you should. Not for me, but for you. Because you should never hold hate in your heart for so long. And, I hope you live a long life with only love in your heart. You deserve it.
- Love, Natalie Green
Letter Nine
Present Day: December 9, 2018
October 26, 2017
Dear Jace Walker,
I didn’t have to tell them. They overheard my parents arguing about my impending doom in the lobby of the hospital.
They came to my room bawling their eyes out. And they climbed into my bed and told me everything would be alright. I started to cry too because it wasn’t how I wanted them to find out.
And because I don’t want to die. And because I don’t want them to miss me. And all this and that.
I guess the truth is that I’ve seemed so chill about everything. Well, not exactly chill, but not hysterical either. But, I’m just not ready to go.
But, if I’m gone it won’t matter. The only thing that will matter are the people I’m leaving behind.
- Love, Natalie Green
Letter Ten
Present Day: December 10, 2018
October 27, 2017
Dear Jace Walker,
You called me today.
And told me you were sorry.
And that you still love me.
I love you too.
- Love, Natalie Green
Olivia Thompson is a UMICH student double majoring in International Studies and Spanish with a minor in Intergroup Relations. Her hobbies include music, writing, and reading. When she’s not doing homework, she’s trying her best to be creative (and not get distracted by TikTok).
